Let me start this post with a disclaimer. This post has nothing at all to do with sewing or any of that other stuff I might normally post about. It’s about my life now and my attempts to sort through it.
I’ve sat down to write about this several times. Each time, I was too full of emotion to put any words down. Writing would make the situation seem real. And I think I’ve just been waiting to wake up for two and a half weeks.
This is the FB status I posted before I went to bed on January 1st:
I’m always so depressed when Jason’s vacation time is over. It
really does get lonely sometimes. But, back to the everyday life
Glad that he does have a job and works hard so I
can stay with our boys.
There are just so many things about this post that keep resounding in my head. Little did I know that my husband would call me the morning of January 2nd and speak words that I would equate to a living nightmare. “I’ve been laid off. Permanently.” A million thoughts raced through my mind. What would we do, where would we go, how would we feed our kids? Would I have to leave them and go back to work? And then of course as soon as I hung up the phone I just collapsed in a puddle on the chair in my son’s room. I sobbed. I looked around the room with all his things and thought that these next few weeks would likely be the final weeks he spent in this big spacious room.
I won’t lie and say that this was totally unexpected, work had been slow for several weeks. I just hoped that it wouldn’t affect us as my husband has had the same job since we’ve been together. Right before Christmas I did dare to ask him if he thought his job might be in danger. He was hesitant, but said no. I knew he didn’t mean what he said with his hesitance. It was Christmas though, he took a week of vacation as planned and we forgot about any impending gloom and doom. I think it is good that we ‘stole’ that week of happiness. I’m not sure we would’ve survived without it.
The shock of losing your ONLY income is rough. I was racked with guilt thinking that if I wasn’t a stay at home mom, this wouldn’t be so bad. We probably wouldn’t be losing our home. Some people have dared to ask why I haven’t went out and got a job. First of all, let me say that taking care of my kids IS my job. My husband and I did discuss my going back to work and he told me that he didn’t want me to do that. He wanted me to continue to stay home. After our discussion, it is still important as ever to us that I be the one to care for our children in their early years. Some people may not understand why we feel this way. Those people are not the ones raising our children. It is something we feel strongly about and I want my kids to have as much consistency as they can through this chapter in their lives.
Back to that Facebook status that still haunts my thoughts. No, we have not returned to ‘everyday life’. My husband is still looking for a job and we are losing our home. There are lots of details in the part about losing our home that I’m not going to delve into. Yes, we have spent hours researching our options. Our lender is less than helpful and has not returned any of the two dozen calls we’ve made. We keep trying persistently to get someone to listen to us. We are doing all that we can, but we can’t work both sides. So we wait.
We are fortunate enough that we do have somewhere to go thanks to family who is more wonderful than I can say. We’re back to the drawing board for a place to stay. But we will figure it out. We are blessed with love, support, and those who are willing to help us even when we don’t ask for it. I have been angry about losing our home. It is true that we planned to list it later this year anyway, but it still stings. I picked out the colors and decorations for each room. The decorations have been packed away and I’m sure the realtor can’t wait to paint over my bright rooms. I brought both of my boys home to this house and I’m sad that they likely won’t even remember it. My boys made this house our home…that part hurts. More than anything, it stings to feel like you have somehow failed your children. I know they don’t need fancy things to have a good life. My pride gets the better of me at times.
I’m trying to see the positive in all this. We’ll be moving home eventually and if you remember my post last year, you’ll know that’s where we wanted to be headed. I don’t like the path that we have been set on to get there, but I know it is out of my hands. I have always been a control freak. I am a planner, I am obsessive with having everything all planned out for months in advance. I don’t have that luxury now. My only resolution for this year was to stop being so controlling. I feel like I got a huge cosmic slap in the face for sure. All my goals have been set into action without any effort on my part.
I’ve been mourning the life we had and refusing to focus on the future we’re gaining. We are going to have family close by – I’m going to have babysitters. Ha – babysitters! I have a two-year old and a six month old and can count on my fingers how many times I have left my kids in my home without me. I can count on three fingers the number of times either of them have been left at someone else’s home without me. And boy were those times brief!
While my husband is looking for a job, he is still here to help with our boys a lot. So I’ve been working on my etsy when I’m not dealing with the fall out of losing your only income. I’ve crocheted a lot. I’ve practiced patience and I am learning to leave things to those cosmic powers out there.
I’ve been asked by many friends and family members what they can do. I ask that you send us your good vibes, your prayers, your warm thoughts. I ask that if you do know of a job that might be a match for my husband to tell him. And for some very special people who are kind enough to engage me in conversations that don’t involve any of this – I thank you. I thank you for letting me have some semblance of a ‘normal’ life right now. And for making my boys laugh and relieving their mama of some stress. You are loved and appreciated more than I can convey.
01/27 – Several people have asked me for an update. As of right now now we are still trying to get our bank to work with us. We are at least trying to keep the house for now, but really aren’t sure that we can unless they give us some sort of wiggle room. Jason has applied for several jobs so we are hoping something turns up soon.