Pulling Back the Viel

I’m one of those people who always has a dialogue going on in their head. I guess that means I talk to myself 24/7 and I probably miss out on a lot of what is actually happening.  I’ve been like this for as long as I can remember.  Even as a child I remember always having a running dialogue with myself.  Sometimes it gets the better of me and tonight, as I lay trying to sleep, I wondered if how I perceive myself is how others perceive me.  And I don’t think it is.

When it comes to motherhood, I feel like I’m always failing at something.  I try not to feel that way, but with all the drama this world likes to create it’s hard.  I don’t think my kids are ‘exceptional’ and I don’t feel that there is anything wrong with them just being normal.  I get kind of fed up with people asking me why my two-year old doesn’t talk a ton or why he isn’t potty trained.  Well, he’s two. And I feel like we’re making the progress we should be making. I guess others don’t agree.  Do I feel like sometimes we watch too much TV or that I should be spending more time reading books and playing?  Well yeah, but don’t most moms feel that way?  We do read, color, build forts, play cars, play super heroes, do flash cards, sing, etc.  And we do it all very, very often.  But we are also human.  I don’t really know how others view me as a mother. I imagine it’s not something I need to know.  I just hope my kids see me as a good mom because that’s what I try to be.

When it comes to being a wife, I think I fail a lot.  I see myself as an openly  affectionate loving person.  But that’s not really the truth.  I tend to be rather standoffish.  It’s not on purpose and it’s not because I don’t truly love and adore my husband.  In all honesty (and I know this will sound like a total cliché but it’s true), it’s my past.  I have a crap father and I have a crappy history with a violent, manipulative man.  Honestly, I have never fully dealt with either of these issues and yes, it still affects me in a profound way.

My husband was and is truly my ‘knight in shining armour’.  Except that armour came in a pair of really sexy jeans, a Slip Knot tee, and kind of tousled hair.  Does he deserve my occasional outbursts and the fact that I take my anger out on him?  No, but he does get it.  And he tries his damnedest to help me through it.  I’ve asked him before if he views me as damaged and oddly enough he really doesn’t.  He’s always said he sees me as me, but he prefers me when I’m happy and living in the present and not the past.  I think  I could benefit immensely if I saw myself and treated myself the way that he does.

When it comes to friendships, I have always felt myself quite the loaner.  Truth is, I long for those close friendships that I see others have, but I’m not entirely sure I will ever have them.  I’m bad at keeping in contact with others and I really and truly hate talking on the phone.  I am a painfully shy person and I always feel judged even when I don’t have a reason too.  I have a hard time trusting absolutely anyone and I get hurt very easily because of it.  There are many things I could blame this on. However, the truth is, it’s my fault.  And it’s something I need to work on.

All that being said, I really have no idea how everyone perceives me.  The main thing I feel like I need to be working on is how I perceive myself.  You can’t control how the world feels about you, but you can control how you feel about yourself and what you project to the world.  And it all starts with confidence and a belief in who you are and what you want to be.  In one word what I truly want to be is….happy.  I’m working on it.

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6 thoughts on “Pulling Back the Viel

  1. Ashley, I wish you knew how much you are admired. No, I wish you would allow yourself to see how much you are admired. Personally, I admire your devotion to your boys. Staying at home with two little ones – well, I did it too for the most part, but I wasn’t very good at it. I was resentful of the isolation I felt it imposed. I love reading what you have come up with to entertain them (and yourself!) on FB, whether it’s making cupcakes or building a fort. You are making memories of a happy childhood, which is one of the most loving things a mom can give her kids. . Secondly, I admire your creativity and your need to be creating. You sew, you crochet, you clearly are a poetess – my word, girl – you are pretty damn amazing. I love how you can take a piece of fabric or some yarn and make something useful or fun. Your play food is so cool – I wish I had little ones around – someday I will and I hope your hamburgers and cookies are still available! Thirdly, I admire your humility and genuine-ness. I love honest people, who acknowledge they have things to work on (and we ALL have those!), and are making an effort to do that for the benefit of those around them, and ultimately for themselves. I tend to surround myself with people who readily admit they have faults, can poke fun at themselves, and then go on about their business. Please allow yourself to love Ashley, too – you are a beautiful person and deserving of that.

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