I have no words that I can speak out loud tonight. I’m not alone…but distant.
My family received some news last week that was hard to take. This week that news got worse and harder to handle. I’m not good with emotions. I bottle it all up, pretend to be strong, then I crumble when I’m alone. I feel quite deeply, but I have never been good at showing it. I’ve been taught to ‘be strong’. But tonight…I am broken.
I am no good at comprehending and processing that this life is finite. In my mind, we all go on forever. There is no death. In my mind. But here, in the real world, there is death. No matter what you pray, or do, it will find you and those you love. Sometimes it’s slow and sometimes it comes out of nowhere and leaves you to remember that this life is not permanent. We are promised nothing.
My anger, my frustration, my unwillingness to accept what I cannot change…My inability to stop the pain my loved ones feel..It’s all too much. And yet, it is what we all face in the end. I don’t have the answers tonight. I have friends who listen and I have family who shares the pain of loss. I have a God who I question, but trust. But answers, those I’m not ready for…