Time changes us. Life changes us. While we may forever remain what we always were at our core, human beings are an ever-changing creature. The beauty of free will is that if we don’t like a personality trait, we can change it. If we don’t like what we weigh, we can change it. If we don’t like what we do for a living, we can change it. If we don’t like where we live, we can change it. We can change it…
There was a time when I seriously considered whether life or death was better. Death seemed a calming, more peaceful choice at that point. I was in a horrible relationship and when one worries whether they will be have a peaceful night or one full of worry over someone else’s temper being taken out on them, illogical choices easily enter the mind. I’ll never forget the moment my mind changed and I decided that I was going to live – and I was NOT going to live in fear. I made a plan and a few days later I packed all I could fit into my small car and I left the rest. I don’t think I slept for three days.
My life as I know it started that day. It started with a bit of fear, a bit of sadness, but overwhelmingly it started with hope. I took a chance and my chance has paid off more than I would’ve dreamed. I found love , respect, happiness, and no fearful nights.
There are obstacles in everyone’s way. What we do with them determines who we are. You can overcome them, you can work around them, or you can start a new course. If you let them beat you, you’re finished. And I don’t think most of us want to be ‘finished’.
I fought with a blinding madness to have my first son. For a few years it is all I thought about, all I cared about. I felt ready to become a mother long before most probably do and I knew it was meant to be. Some doctors said it wasn’t possible, some said it would be hard, but one said it could and likely would happen – on its own. We didn’t use expensive fertility treatments to finally conceive and successfully carry our first son. Our course was simple, costing less than $100. Our second son was conceived with no treatments at all. Infertility changed me, no doubt. But it didn’t defeat me anymore than the abusive boyfriend had.
Choosing to leave a career that you’ve just started to build to be ‘just a mother’ is scary. You question if you are doing the right thing, you’re scared of the financial changes you are making. You wonder if you’re acting solely on your heart’s wishes or if you really have done all the research and made the best decision. I’ve been knee-deep in being ‘just a mother’ for over three years. And I laugh at the words ‘just a mother’ every time I hear them. Because I am more and the word mother is all-encompassing. Yes, I cook, clean, change diapers. I also teach, encourage, support. I do ‘our books’ and I do my damnedest to plan for a future.
There are so many events in life that give us an opportunity to stay the course we’re going or chart a new one. Most of the time we don’t even know we’re being given the choice until it’s already played out. But after it’s said and done, those moments have burned their imprint deep on our being. They sear into the heart capturing a multitude of emotions.
As I continue to walk along my own winding path – I pray that I’m making the best course for myself and for my family. When I’m not, I can see reminders of what’s important and I can feel the road changing. It can start with an unsettled feeling. Or one of excitement. I’m pushed to an edge and something deep within excitedly whispers, “Jump”.